Abandonment Issues

My co-worker BFF had her last day at our office today. Big ups to her, as she got her new job yesterday and decided today at noon would be her last day. Our manager makes her life pretty difficult at work, and I do not fault her in any way for leaving, even though she has an event on Friday. I would have done the exact same thing. She's smart in that she is taking her last two weeks as PTO so they don't tax the shit out of giving her back her PTO time earned.

However, I'm feeling abandoned. I really don't like a lot of the rest of my co-workers, and whenever I needed a good gossip session, she was always there.

It's not like she died or anything, but it still leaves me feeling alone.

All the more reason to get the F out of here.

What do I look like, a camel?

I am amazed at the conversations people try to start with me. Sometimes I get very strange questions, such as "Can you tell me if you've ever peed off this bridge?" or questions like "How many floors are there in Sex World?". These questions always make me look a little surprised, and honestly, I always answer them. But I always think, as per my uncle Dick, "What do I look like, a camel?" What about my khakis and Rainbow Brite t-shirt screams "Yes, I want to be in this conversation with you!"

For example, I was visiting my local Tar-ghey. Mostly groceries. Nothing out of the ordinary, no pickled pigs feet or iguana eyeballs. The craziest items in my cart were very likely the Activia yogurt or strawberry milk.

So WHAT about this, or WHAT about my black sweat shorts and green "racktastic" beer pong shirt made the guy bagging my groceries actually try to hold the following conversation with me?

If I can't wear a ski mask, how come they get to wear that? - crazy Target bag boy
Huh? (looking around for some crazy kids in gothic clothing or something equally "ski-mask". Finally, see woman in burqa, and realize the kid bagging my groceries is about to launch into a conversation I will totally disagree with.) Nervous giggle. - Me
Seriously - it's racist!
More nervous giggle, quickly swipe card in an effort to move the entire transaction forward as crazy target bag boy has actually stopped bagging to hold conversation.
It's not like it's in the Torah, it's not religious, it's culture.

Well, this annoyed me and I decided the asshole (who was honestly probably 27) needed to be reminded that he was working at fucking Target and probably should have a respect for other religions, cultures, and otherwise more evolved beings on the planet. I therefore "gently" reminded him that the Muslim culture - and he was right, their religion is also a culture - used the fucking Koran and NOT THE DAMN TORAH.

And in true "old lady" fashion, I'm calling the store manager today to let them know about the crazy cashier they have, because I'm totally appalled.

Why do the crazies always find me???

Shark Week: Rocking your Face off for 22 years!

What's the eating disorder where you get fatter instead of skinnier? I think I have it, as this will be my 3rd food post in recent history. However, I'm so damn proud, I'm doing it anyway.

I made a ridiculous cake in honor of Shark Week (one of my favorite holidays) and I had to share it with the internets. Honestly, it tasted like shit because apparently you're supposed to flavor fondant. Whatever, Duff never told me that. All he ever shows is cutting the cake (which I tried to do... it sort of worked) and putting some other frosting on before the fondant. I have to admit I had no idea what fondant was until 5 pm yesterday when I decided I wanted to make this damn cake.

It was actually quite fun, but still took me 4 hours to do. I don't forsee this happening again in my future unless I quit my job and go to culinary school... which, secretly I would love to do and is my #23 thing I want to do in my life: Take a cooking class!

Peanut Butter makes the world go round

I would first and foremost like to say just how sorry I am for you if you are allergic to peanuts. Not only must eating in general suck for you, but I bet that whole "life threatening allergy" really makes you a little sad.

This summer, I spent some time with a young lady who had said allergy. We had to watch everything we ate around her, including not having peanut butter sandwiches in our lunches. It was the saddest week of my life.

Over the past few weeks, I've eaten an entire 40 oz. container of chunky peanut butter. This is averaging just under 10 ounces of PB a week. This is not abnormal consumption, by any means, on my part. However, I wanted to point out how abnormal it probably is for someone to be able to pound down a jar of peanut butter in 4 weeks. VERY abnormal. The average US consumer will eat 3 pounds of PB a year. (www.peanutbutter.com/funfacts). My jar of peanut butter is 2 lbs 8 ounces. In 1 year, I will have consumed 32.5 pounds of peanut butter. Yes, my friends. 11 times average. This makes me about 99% more likely than all other Americans to have a heart attack by the time I'm 27. How do I get to the YMCA again?

Paula's Urban Dictionary

Seems as though I use a lot of acronyms and slang in this blog, so I figured I would create a "dictionary" post I can come back to edit if I use it again.

Paula: This is my introduction to my alter-ego, Paula Rubinowitz. She's a sassy cougar from Staten Island who drinks too much. We all know we can't use real names online!! Enjoy her musings. Truthfully, my name is not Paula, I grew up in Wisconsin, and I'm maybe a puma, but not yet old enough to be a cougar. I really do drink too much, though.

BFF: Get a clue, Best Friend Forever. Normally, I'm referring to my best friend Cassafrass, whom I lived with since we were Freshmen in college at the U of M. Sometimes I use the term to sound like a moron.  **Update, this friend recently took a job in Florida aboard Disney cruise lines, so that means she started her own blog YAAAYYYYY!

WIBFF: Wisconsin Best Friend Forever. This is usually talking about my friend Katerade, or my friend Stef-o, or Amerous.  The 3 best friends that anyone ever had!  We went to high school together and pretty much all live 300 miles or more away from one another.  Except Katerade, she lives in Coon Rapids. 

Hammer: Ex. Ex-boyfriend, Ex-best friend, Ex-likes to sleep with and date my best friends. Think "Why do I keep hitting myself with this hammer?" -because it feels so good when I stop. **Update: Hammer and I officially have divorced our friendship, which really is okay.  We haven't spoken in over a year.


TNPM: The NonProfit Man. You can think of it as "The Man" trying to hold us all down. My day job. Also NPM when use of articles needs to be proper. I also work part-time for another non-profit. See The ONPM.

The ONPM: The Other NonProfit Man, my second job, part time, love it but really don't have enough time for it. Also known as "church NPM"

I like food more than my job.

As I sat home tonight watching Top Chef Masters on Bravo and truly wishing I even knew what was in a souffle, I realized how much I love food. Not that this is a life-changing realization, but I literally rushed home from church/meetings/etc. in order to watch this show. Don't get me wrong, I also love television, but it's the food factor that really gets me. Cook it, eat it, boil it, mash it, stick it in a stew. No matter how you dice it, I love food. (post soon to come: I need to get more out of my Y membership than a bill).

So my new roommate, the WIBFF, has aversions to the Food Network. I forsee this as a large problem, considering I watch it ANYTIME I get the remote. Especially at 11 or later, when you're very likely to catch Iron Chef America.

This is going to be a big problem. Without my daily dose of Rachel Ray, Alton Brown, and Bobby Flay, I might shrivel up and die of not knowing how long I should store spices before I need to throw them away! How will I know if my meal will take 30 minutes or less, and daresay, what if my prize winning mediocre tolerable egg salad doesn't get chosen for "Throwdown" because I missed the commercial for the casting call!!?!?!?!?

This is TOO much to handle.

Layoff Shmayoff

TNPM has made some drastic changes over the past few months in order to be proactive about the state of our budget. These changes included (but were not limited to) 4 furlough days, mileage reimbursement decrease, and our leadership team taking a pay cut.

Well, these changes were rolled out in March, with the promise that TNPM would keep us posted if things looked grim for the upcoming fiscal year. This past Thursday, we found out just how grim.

Looks like we're about $4.5 million dollars shy of our 2010 budget (non-profit standards require earning money one year and spending it the following year). As our "last option", this means staff cuts.

We have 350 employees in our division. Let's pretend that the average salary+benefits per employee is $60K (probably assuming low, since this would be my average, and I'm low on the totem pole). Still assuming 60K, this would be 75 employees let go. My department is the "money making" department (vs. money spending), but we're also 35% of the staff.

If this were a mathematical equation, it would look something like this:
[($4.5M/$60K)*35%]=P

Whereas P is the probability I will be FUCKED in a week and a half when we have our "big" conference call to roll out the "staffing transition". Perhaps a blessing in disguise, since I really hate my job right now. Fire me please!!!!

Okay, maybe not really... but what better opportunity to look for a new job like my life depends on it. Because it does.