Bitter with Baggage Seeks Same

Well long time no talk. I've missed you. Perhaps this will turn out to be much like my other "hobbies" - a dead end.
Only time will tell.

A few years ago for Christmas, my good friend gave me a fabulous book called "Bitter With Baggage Seeks Same". It is a coffee table picture book- bitter humor for the metropolitan single girl- my kind of dish. I came across this book on my shelf the other day and decided to give it a little page-turn. These hilarious little plastic chickens started to make me sad, and I thought- "Paula*, why so glum? Plastic chickens are too funny to be sad!" Then it occurred to me: my dear, sweet friend knows me so well, that she purchased this book, because I am, in fact, Bitter with Baggage.

Would you like my stats? Put it on a baseball card:

• 23 years of age
• single straight white female
• numerous boyfriends/one night stands of which 3/4ths ending with said boy dating/falling for close friend or BFF and thusly .750 batting average for getting my heart broken
  
• Glamorous non-profit job that leaves little to no time for a personal life
• Size 36F rack. I'm an effing catch.
  

I see bitter. I see baggage. In fact, I pretty much live it. I have wonderful friends, however find myself spending my "free time" with an ex (we will call him Hammer**) who broke my coal heart when he fell for my BFF/roommate. (He's not the only one... hence 3/4ths). Spare me the lectures- we dated 4 years ago and we're best friends now. It happens.

However, its times like these (Holidays, Tuesdays, freezing cold days, pretty much everyday) that I find myself realizing that I am still head-over-heels-hit-me-in-the-head-with-a-hammer-
because-it-feels-so-good-when-you-stop in love with Hammer. Too bad he moved on.
He is dating a cute little mouse of a thing who I really can't find any fault in (bummer) aside from the fact that its not me. However, Hammer feels it appropriate to share all her faults, stupidity, conservatism, and general bland-ness with me. I think this is what drives me into the ground bitterly with heavy baggage: Not only is he not dating me, but he's dating someone he's not really into and is just along for the ride (I chastise HJ's because I haven't done one since the late 90's, yet apparently she considers this a "treat".)

So the moral of this story is: It is Christmas time (or whatever holiday you celebrate or don't celebrate. Whatever, its snowing.) and my family has unfortunately moved on from chastising my sister about getting married to criticizing me. Pretty sure they have fostered rumors of my sexuality- but I digress.

But why should I ruin Christmas for everyone by changing the norm and bringing a boy home? This Christmas, I am giving the gift of selflessness by not changing our family traditions of scathing comments and ruthless jokes about my singledom. I sure hope they appreciate my deep concern for keeping our family traditions alive.

So Merry Christmas! Can I provide any selfless acts for you?
Have a wonderful day and don't crash your shit up in the snow.
Paula

*Paula: This is my introduction to my alter-ego, Paula Rubinowitz. She's a sassy cougar from Staten Island who drinks too much. We all know we can't use real names online!! Enjoy her musings.

**Hammer: His real name shall not be divulged (see above). Think "Why do I keep hitting myself with this hammer?" -because it feels so good when I stop.