Don't bite the hand that writes your letters of recommendation.

I work with college students who volunteer for TNPM.  Essentially, I am their advisor.  I write tons of letters of recommendation.  I get kids into law school, grad school, med school, get them scholarships, jobs, and new opportunities.  I am happy to do it.  I take my time, request resumes, statements of intent, and truly invest a few hours into the process.  I find it really gratifying to give back to students who give our organization so much of their time and talents.  On average, I write 50 a year.  I am sort of a content expert on the subject by now. With this, I provide a list of "how to get a good letter of recommendation" also know as "don't waste my fucking time":
1. Ask me in advance.
   - Everything should be to me at least 1 month in advance.  If you're giving me less than a month, I'm annoyed and will include my annoyance in your letter.
   - If I say no, you cannot be offended.  I either don't have time or I do not feel I could write you a positive letter of recommendation.  The latter is your fault.
2. Provide all the resources I need.
   - I shouldn't have to creep on your facebook to find out where you work.
3. Send me things in a concise manner.
   - If I receive 47 emails from each school you are attempting to get into (WOW how much did that cost you?), I expect a list of each school you need me to submit to.  If you expect me to monitor my inbox for these emails on a daily basis, you will get a shitty letter, as I am now completely annoyed with you.
5.  Reminders are ok.
   - I'm busy, you're busy, blah blah.  It's ok to send me a reminder, but do not send me a facebook message to check in on something you used my business email to communicate with me about.  At least pretend you are a professional.
4. Be grateful, you little shit.
   - This is not my job.  I do not get paid to write you these, and in fact, often do this on my own time.  At the very least, send me a damn thank you letter.  Hand written.  Even if you didn't get the job, scholarship, whatever.
   - Talk highly of our organization.  I'm giving you tools to be a successful human being, and when I see you giving public accolades to other (competing) organizations, I regret helping you.  Give us a fucking shout out too.

You're welcome. #leadershipdevelopment

Levels of Facebook Friendship

Well, it has certainly been a long time since I've posted.  Apologies, whatever.  Life gets busy, and then you realize your stress could be alleviated by making snide commentary on a sort of kind of anonymous blog.  So here's where we're at.  Jumping right in.
Another de-friend on Facebook!  What did I do to deserve this!?
I know, I "should" be a "grown up" and think, "wow, this person must be going through a tough time in life that they no longer want me to know anything about them." But instead, I think, "what the hell?  This girl I was "BFF" with, and truly inseparable from age 13-19 decided I'm no longer important enough to be considered a Facebook friend?  The most surface level of friendship that ever existed?
So, here are the levels of friendship that exist in Facebook:
1. I wouldn't recognize you on the street, walking in the crosswalk with you.  Maybe we had one 300-person lecture together in college.
2.  I might recognize you in a coffee shop, but not be able to place where I know you from.  It will probably eat at me for a few days until I remember your name, creep on you on Facebook, and find that we're actually Facebook friends.  Who knew?
3.  We used to be good friends at some point in our lives.  High school, college, family, whatever.  It's nice to see your facebook updates every once and awhile to remember you exist.
4.  We are acquaintances and I sometimes genuinely care about what's going on in your life.  I comment, like or post in your general direction.
(Here is where we move beyond Facebook)
5.  I would email you if a major event (baby, marriage, death) occurred in my life.  I will definitely post happy birthday on your facebook, and you might even get a phone call.
6.  Your birthday is on my calendar. I would actually call you if those things happened in my life.  You'd probably get invited to the baby shower, wedding, or funeral.
7.  You'd be heavily involved in the baby shower (godmother), wedding (wedding party), or funeral (reader or pallbearer). I would expect you to cry actual tears at all of these.

So the girl in question is somewhere between 4 and 6.  Her birthday was on my calendar, which is how I noticed she defriended me.  Because it's today.  She almost got a facebook post. What did I do to deserve it? Alas, I also was defriended by a Bestie's ex.  But she's a C yoU Next Tuesday, so that's fine. I've known her since we were 5, so I can say that.

So instead of being a grown up, I think next time I'm in my hometown and see these lovely ladies, I'm going to be sure to be just liquored up enough to make it awkward by mentioning it. Can't wait.

Facebook is the best-ish.

I've been teetering close to having 1,000 facebook friends for a few months now.  I'm not sure how I feel about this milestone (whore or Miss Popular?  The age old high school dilemma), but I have a difficult time removing people as friends.  I also don't like to request people as friends unless we are actual friends (this term is subjective and may change on a daily basis.  I consider Clay Matthews and I actual friends).
However, I've noticed here and there some "de-friending" going on with me, and I won't say it doesn't make me wonder.  What did I do to be "de-friended"?  Did I post too often?  Were my rambling liberal views too much?  I am glad it hasn't happened in the hundreds, or I might be more concerned, lest I actually care.

However, 2 specific instances have left me wondering.  For one, a girl I was actual friends with in high school has defriended and re-requested me at least 3 times.  I didn't notice at first, and just had the thought, "oh, I thought we already were friends." accept.  "Oh, maybe when you get married you have to re-request everyone with your new name." accept.  NAY, now I am smarter and realized she must have commitment issues.  She has re-requested me 3 months ago, and is currently in facebook purgatory, as I just don't feel that I need to click accept quite yet.
The second instance is much less interesting, but is a matter of principle.  I noticed this guy had done some serious cleansing of his friends, so I truly wasn't offended that I didn't make the cut of his remaining 70 friends.  But the reality of it is - I think there should be precedence on facebook that if I there was ever genital to mouth contact between me and you in high school, the least you should do is let me be your facebook friend so I can creep on you anytime I want.  It's a matter of principle.

What is it about Craigslist...

Craigslist: not just the place to find friends and get murdered.  Seriously, what is it about Craigslist that makes you all of the following:
- Insanely interested in other people's personal lives.  I.E. reading missed connections and responding to ones you KNOW re not for you?  Thank God for those who do this, since I read them for sheer entertainment value.
- Creepy.
- A hoarder.  Thanks much, free section.  Yes, I do need a 300 lb broken microwave.  And 126 empty wine bottles.
- A total lunatic.  Have you ever read the rants and raves?  YIKES!
- A fucking poet.  Stop it, I am not interested in your dramatic reading of your feelings.  Tell me about the Caribou employee you have your eye on instead.

But seriously, thanks to Craigslist,. I know can fill my time with missed connections and rants and raves ALL DAY because of the droid app - YAY!!!!

Accepting suggestions for things for my friends and I to do to tempt fate, serial killers, and would be molesters as ways to stay entertained!

What do I look like, a camel?

I am amazed at the conversations people try to start with me. Sometimes I get very strange questions, such as "Can you tell me if you've ever peed off this bridge?" or questions like "How many floors are there in Sex World?". These questions always make me look a little surprised, and honestly, I always answer them. But I always think, as per my uncle Dick, "What do I look like, a camel?" What about my khakis and Rainbow Brite t-shirt screams "Yes, I want to be in this conversation with you!"

For example, I was visiting my local Tar-ghey. Mostly groceries. Nothing out of the ordinary, no pickled pigs feet or iguana eyeballs. The craziest items in my cart were very likely the Activia yogurt or strawberry milk.

So WHAT about this, or WHAT about my black sweat shorts and green "racktastic" beer pong shirt made the guy bagging my groceries actually try to hold the following conversation with me?

If I can't wear a ski mask, how come they get to wear that? - crazy Target bag boy
Huh? (looking around for some crazy kids in gothic clothing or something equally "ski-mask". Finally, see woman in burqa, and realize the kid bagging my groceries is about to launch into a conversation I will totally disagree with.) Nervous giggle. - Me
Seriously - it's racist!
More nervous giggle, quickly swipe card in an effort to move the entire transaction forward as crazy target bag boy has actually stopped bagging to hold conversation.
It's not like it's in the Torah, it's not religious, it's culture.

Well, this annoyed me and I decided the asshole (who was honestly probably 27) needed to be reminded that he was working at fucking Target and probably should have a respect for other religions, cultures, and otherwise more evolved beings on the planet. I therefore "gently" reminded him that the Muslim culture - and he was right, their religion is also a culture - used the fucking Koran and NOT THE DAMN TORAH.

And in true "old lady" fashion, I'm calling the store manager today to let them know about the crazy cashier they have, because I'm totally appalled.

Why do the crazies always find me???

Peanut Butter makes the world go round

I would first and foremost like to say just how sorry I am for you if you are allergic to peanuts. Not only must eating in general suck for you, but I bet that whole "life threatening allergy" really makes you a little sad.

This summer, I spent some time with a young lady who had said allergy. We had to watch everything we ate around her, including not having peanut butter sandwiches in our lunches. It was the saddest week of my life.

Over the past few weeks, I've eaten an entire 40 oz. container of chunky peanut butter. This is averaging just under 10 ounces of PB a week. This is not abnormal consumption, by any means, on my part. However, I wanted to point out how abnormal it probably is for someone to be able to pound down a jar of peanut butter in 4 weeks. VERY abnormal. The average US consumer will eat 3 pounds of PB a year. (www.peanutbutter.com/funfacts). My jar of peanut butter is 2 lbs 8 ounces. In 1 year, I will have consumed 32.5 pounds of peanut butter. Yes, my friends. 11 times average. This makes me about 99% more likely than all other Americans to have a heart attack by the time I'm 27. How do I get to the YMCA again?

Favre, you used to be my God.

Brett Favre, you fucking suck. The entire state of Wisconsin and some loyal fans outside the Cheddar Walls built you, you fuck. Remember when you threatened to retire after 1997's big Super Bowl win? I do. Broke my heart, but I remember, as much as a 7th grader can, thinking - good for you. Go out in style. Remember when you threatened to retire a few years later, after your dad passed away? We were right there with you. Remember when you cheated on your cancer survivor wife and we still loved you? Do you remember when you came out as being addicted to pain killers and we said, "At least it's not coke?" DO YOU REMEMBER?

And then, you finally did it. You really retired. We were so proud to have had you, and so sad to let you go. But we knew you needed to do it. Spend time with the family. Endorse shit. Spread the love. Ohhh but then you came back out of retirement. We wouldn't have you. This is like the story of the boy who cried. Not cried wolf, just cried, "I'm a little bitch, and you need me. So you'll have me or I'll show you!" With the Jets? Really, you tried to show us with the Jets. Well lookie here bucko - sure, they had a great season with you, but Rogers rocked Lambeau. We can survive without you.

Now, one year henceforth, you're pulling the same old shit again. The Vikings are wooing you, and even they know that its a grudge match in the end. You're starting to seem like the dirty cousin who just got out of rehab and needs $1,000 to pay his rent/car payment/ coke habit. And the Vikings are going to loan the cash, because they really think you've got your shit together this time. And you can throw the shit out of a football, and lord knows they need you.

All I can say is, if I see the number 4 on a purple jersey... I don't care who's wearing it, they're going up in flames.

Swine Flu?

Are we facing a crazy world epidemic? Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of dirty rednecks like closing down international borders! So the Swine Flu is all the rage these days, and, I'll say it - I'm totally into it. Not into the kids dying in third world countries into it, because that would just be cruel. No, rather, I'm into thinking I could see a live, syndicated version of Outbreak, sans monkeys, plus pork.

They tell us its okay to still eat "the other white meat", just like you can't get chicken pox from eating the delicious hot wings at the Cedar Inn.

My bet? Not that big of a deal. I base this solely on Wolf Blitzer's comment, "Will the Swine Flu truly impact society? Discussion when we return. Here's a hint: no!"

No, Cubs NO!

I had the amazing privilege of going home to Milwaukee this weekend for Brewers opening day. Well, technically I went on "second opening day". Some douchebag in the scheduling department has made some egregious errors and scheduled opening weekend as the Cubs' Series. Seriously? Let's talk economics here. I know I was only a measly Liberal Arts student, but even I get the importance of allowing stupid Cubs' fans to come spend their money in Milwaukee. Opening Day is historically the biggest ticket sales day of the year, with the Cubs series a close second. Why would you combine two huge money making events into one? NOT to mention that the Twins/Brewers Series is scheduled for a Tuesday-Thursday. Guess they just lost my ticket sale, there is no way I can come back for game during the middle of the week.

Regardless - Opening Day was impossible to get tickets for. So Leff's had their world-famous tailgate party on "Second Opening Day". Hot mess, says I. The game was at 6 pm, which means the 1 pm drinking start time was SUPER.

And today - Easter Sunday. Hallelujia, Christ is Risen and I haven't thrown up. I seriously thought about it. I even skipped church. Mom was proud. I told her God didn't want me in church if I was still drunk.
Then, I made it to South Central Wisconsin (relax, Dad drove my car) without dying and got to take a nap. Then, my young cousins got to learn a lesson in overindulging in beer from their much older, wiser cousin as I walked around with a Diet Coke cooling my head all afternoon.

I survived the drive back to Minnesota too. Didn't even puke once.

So proud.