What do I look like, a camel?

I am amazed at the conversations people try to start with me. Sometimes I get very strange questions, such as "Can you tell me if you've ever peed off this bridge?" or questions like "How many floors are there in Sex World?". These questions always make me look a little surprised, and honestly, I always answer them. But I always think, as per my uncle Dick, "What do I look like, a camel?" What about my khakis and Rainbow Brite t-shirt screams "Yes, I want to be in this conversation with you!"

For example, I was visiting my local Tar-ghey. Mostly groceries. Nothing out of the ordinary, no pickled pigs feet or iguana eyeballs. The craziest items in my cart were very likely the Activia yogurt or strawberry milk.

So WHAT about this, or WHAT about my black sweat shorts and green "racktastic" beer pong shirt made the guy bagging my groceries actually try to hold the following conversation with me?

If I can't wear a ski mask, how come they get to wear that? - crazy Target bag boy
Huh? (looking around for some crazy kids in gothic clothing or something equally "ski-mask". Finally, see woman in burqa, and realize the kid bagging my groceries is about to launch into a conversation I will totally disagree with.) Nervous giggle. - Me
Seriously - it's racist!
More nervous giggle, quickly swipe card in an effort to move the entire transaction forward as crazy target bag boy has actually stopped bagging to hold conversation.
It's not like it's in the Torah, it's not religious, it's culture.

Well, this annoyed me and I decided the asshole (who was honestly probably 27) needed to be reminded that he was working at fucking Target and probably should have a respect for other religions, cultures, and otherwise more evolved beings on the planet. I therefore "gently" reminded him that the Muslim culture - and he was right, their religion is also a culture - used the fucking Koran and NOT THE DAMN TORAH.

And in true "old lady" fashion, I'm calling the store manager today to let them know about the crazy cashier they have, because I'm totally appalled.

Why do the crazies always find me???

No, Cubs NO!

I had the amazing privilege of going home to Milwaukee this weekend for Brewers opening day. Well, technically I went on "second opening day". Some douchebag in the scheduling department has made some egregious errors and scheduled opening weekend as the Cubs' Series. Seriously? Let's talk economics here. I know I was only a measly Liberal Arts student, but even I get the importance of allowing stupid Cubs' fans to come spend their money in Milwaukee. Opening Day is historically the biggest ticket sales day of the year, with the Cubs series a close second. Why would you combine two huge money making events into one? NOT to mention that the Twins/Brewers Series is scheduled for a Tuesday-Thursday. Guess they just lost my ticket sale, there is no way I can come back for game during the middle of the week.

Regardless - Opening Day was impossible to get tickets for. So Leff's had their world-famous tailgate party on "Second Opening Day". Hot mess, says I. The game was at 6 pm, which means the 1 pm drinking start time was SUPER.

And today - Easter Sunday. Hallelujia, Christ is Risen and I haven't thrown up. I seriously thought about it. I even skipped church. Mom was proud. I told her God didn't want me in church if I was still drunk.
Then, I made it to South Central Wisconsin (relax, Dad drove my car) without dying and got to take a nap. Then, my young cousins got to learn a lesson in overindulging in beer from their much older, wiser cousin as I walked around with a Diet Coke cooling my head all afternoon.

I survived the drive back to Minnesota too. Didn't even puke once.

So proud.

Cruisin'

When I bought my new (to me) car back in December, I was just so excited at the idea of taking on bigger responsibility with another loan actually owning something the bank owning me for the next 5 years, and inevitably the rest of my life. Well, in my excitement, I test drove a 2009 version of the car I planned to buy. LOVED IT, and they assured me the cars were the same, just the 2009 version (vs. 2007) had satellite radio - like I need that, I have enough voices in my head, I don't need the Cafferty Files going on in there too.

Anyhow, I came back 2 days later, check from the bank in hand, ready to sign over my life. So I saw my new love of my life in the parking lot and got really excited. The guy (not sleazy at all, seriously), expected me to sign over the second I walked in the door. I think my dad was a little floored when I said, "Uh - no, can I please test drive the car first?" because normally I'm assertive, but not normally just an outright bitch. So we hopped in the car, and jumped on an on-ramp to the freeway. I reached down to click the cruise control button... and reached... and took my eyes off the road to check where it was. Hint: not there. No cruise control!!! I was livid. "The exact same, but no satellite radio" my ass. Honestly, I wouldn't have been so ticked if I didn't already have a check from the bank for the exact amount of the car, plus the loan had been done on the VIN number for that car.

Anyhow, long story short, I was fuming when I got back to the dealership. They decided they would cut me a deal - they would have cruise control installed at dealer price ($300 vs $700) and I would pay half ($150). I said I could deal with that. Since I bought my car in Milwaukee, I needed to have the CC installed in the Cities, so I finally just got it taken care of today. It is AWESOME.

I know what you're thinking, cruise control is the lazy man's driver, but I drive SO much for work, and to visit Milwaukee. I've put on 8,000 miles on this car since I bought it in December (and lied to my insurance company about it too!), so cruise control is vital.

And I'll leave you with this: